Five ways to be honest with loved ones who are causing you emotional pain

We don’t want to hurt the people we love, but how do we address them when they’re hurting us?

Dominique Dajer
6 min readDec 3, 2020

As a young girl I learned very quickly that you cannot change a person who doesn’t want to change. You cannot help a person who doesn’t want to be helped. This was based on a relationship I often observed growing up. Shortly after learning that, it became clear to me that as people, many of our actions are driven by our experiences or beliefs. If you’re looking for ways to change a person, let me save you some time and tell you now that you will waste your time. You will find yourself going in circles trying to find a resolution and in the end, wind up hurting yourself.

If you’re looking for a way to tell someone how you feel, honestly, then keep reading.

This week I wrote a long, heart-felt letter to a family member. The decision didn’t come easily. This person is someone who I hold near and dear to my heart, but has toxic tendencies. In the past, I’ve tried over and over to have candid conversations about how their actions are hurting those around them, but I was met with resistance: talking over me and refuting with denial. Eventually, they acknowledged and admitted the issues existed, but did nothing to improve things and continue the same patterns. When talking didn’t seem to work, I defaulted to bottling up my feelings and ignoring the issues. But that didn’t work either. Ultimately, the issues continued to be exacerbated.

I remember that as a kid, whenever I messed up or did something wrong, I would write sloppy and colorful cards to my mom apologizing for my wrongdoings. I’d place them on her nightstand or slip them into her dresser, hoping to avoid any confrontation.

Last night, as I sat at my desk and received deeply disappointing, saddening and hurtful news, I found myself in a similar spot. This was something different. What was supposed to be a journal entry, turned into a letter. Except this time, I wasn’t writing an apology letter, but a letter that addressed how I’m impacted by their choices and the pain that I feel. I felt overwhelmed — with anguish. I felt that this was the best outlet for me to express myself without being interrupted or spoken over, and granted me the opportunity to think clearly and carefully select my words.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

While writing, I thought about this person’s actions, feelings, and what drove them. I considered what state they might be in when they opened it, and how I wanted them to feel when they were done reading it.

What I didn’t do was point the finger and dish out all the things they’re doing “wrong.” Instead, I chose to recognize areas that reflect on how their behavior has changed over time and acknowledged how I’d be willing to support.

What was supposed to be a journal entry, turned into a letter. A letter that addressed how I’m impacted by their choices, the pain that I feel, and acknowledged how I’d be willing to support them — when they’re ready.

If you’re also thinking about approaching someone you love about how their choices are negatively affecting you — whether in person, a letter, or a phone call, implement these five do’s and don’ts to ensure your message across effectively, and safely.

Disclaimer: This guide isn’t to address their root problem(s) but rather help translate the impact and your feelings.

1. Identify your intention

What are you looking to get out of this? Do you genuinely want to express how you feel, or are you looking to get something out of it?

DO: Be prepared for resistance

The last thing you should want to do is attack this person.

DON’T: Approach with any expectations

Reassure yourself if this is just a way to help the person see where you’re coming from. That alone is a task within and of itself. Start off by introducing why you’re having this conversation (or writing the letter).Be prepared for resistance or any other reactions

2. Be specific

DON’T: List out every issue they’ve ever contributed to.

No one wants to receive a laundry list of all the dirty clothes they didn’t wash.

DO: Provide 1–2 key examples that show them how their actions have negatively affected.

A clear outline of how their actions are affecting you will help them understand where you’re coming from, and increase the chances of them taking accountability. This is by no means a guarantee but definitely worth the effort.

3. Make it about your feelings, and the direct impact of their actions

DON’T: Spend time analyzing and criticizing them.

Their actions are likely a result of a larger issue. As a reminder, this guide isn’t to address their root problem(s) but rather help translate the impact and your feelings.

DO: Empathize, and recognize the situation they’re in that may be contributing to their behavior or challenges.

I’ve always found it productive to try to get someone to visualize your side. Express to them why you care about them, and why you want to help improve your relationship with them, or address their challenges. Then, demonstrate the cause and effect of their action(s).

I suggest starting with, “I know you’re going through __________. But when you do ____________ , I feel like ___________.”

Acknowledge that you know who they are: a good person, fun to be around, funny and charming, etc. The goal is to highlight their positive attributes. However, you also don’t want to dismiss that it’s been difficult to see who they are at heart because there’s a major hindrance from their positives coming through. You can also provide a positive example of one of their character traits you admire most.

Photo by Bence Halmosi on Unsplash

4. Support does not equate to advice

DON’T: Provide unsolicited advice.

Not only is it unwarranted, it can often be harmful if you’re not a professional or have not shared the exact same experience. Don’t tell them to “stop,” “cut it out,” or “get over it.” By doing so, you’re assuming this is something they can easily control, when the truth is their issue may be more complicated than it seems.

DO: Acknowledge what you can do.

You don’t know what someone needs until you ask. By asking them how you can best support them when they’re dealing with _________, you’re allowing for a two-way dialogue and allowing for the opportunity to better the relationship and their situation.

5. Be honest, and listen

DON’T: Invalidate their feelings, nor allow them to invalidate yours

You’re entitled to your own feelings, and they’re entitled to their’s. Avoid invalidating someone’s life experiences, traumas, or feelings that contribute to the way the act. There’s no right or wrong way to feel during any given situation, and if either of you is gaslighting the other, that’s manipulation. According to Psychology Today, gaslighting is a tactic in which an individual makes another person question their reality, and often entails different forms of abuse. The person may be inflicting this unintentionally, or they may be fully aware in a desire to keep you suppressed. Read the 11 warning signs of gaslighting here.

DO: Accept what you don’t know

Take time to reflect before making any rash decisions, sugar coating their actions, or gaslighting the person. Be open to feedback, and if they open up about how you can support them, it may be helpful to do so — as long as it doesn’t cause too much of an emotional, physical or financial toll on you.

Photo by Tim Foster on Unsplash

Navigating these conversations aren’t easy, so don’t expect it to be. Be prepared for resistance or any other reactions. Even if this communication isn’t productive, it’s meant to serve self-expression and help you get it off your chest. If anything, it helps you to learn how to be comfortable with the uncomfortable. I share more about this in my story, “You haven’t experienced life until you’ve felt pain.”

If you’re overwhelmed on where to start with your letter or conversation, I’ll leave you with a reminder:

Start by doing what’s necessary then do what’s possible. And suddenly, you’re doing the impossible.

— St. Francis of Assisi

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Dominique Dajer

I’m a creative storyteller passionate about social justice. If you are too, follow me here: instagram.com/dominiquescrapbook | Editor at The Rosie Report